you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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