Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I touched a dick in church today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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