friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
