I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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