I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
