My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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