either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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