Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
