I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
