just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
