look no pants
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
