Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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