Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
