I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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