Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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