she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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