Swine flu. Run for my life!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Panties = found
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
