I am midnight drunk by noon
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
