i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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