I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
