i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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