Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
