We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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