Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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