Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
