Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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