Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
