after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
