my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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