3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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