Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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