I think im going to throw up on grandma
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
