Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
