you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
