I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my shit smells like andre
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
