Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
