that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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