I wish I could teleport
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
