my shit smells like andre
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Drunk is a universal language darling
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