I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
