I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
