He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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