I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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