I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
