Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
