btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
