Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
