On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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