she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
