Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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