Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
